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A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender “give me 2 beers”. The bartender gives him two beers and coughs in the guys beers bottles before giving it to him. The guy says to the bartender “hey what are u doing I didn’t order for bud lights I want corona beer”. The bartender replies “ sir I gave you a mix of bud light and corona and it’s on the house everyone is drinking corona tonight”.
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, “I thought you guys only drink blood? ” The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, “I’m making tea.”
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, “I’m making tea.”
A Man walks into a bar and Orders 3 shots of Whisky, The Bartender asks "What’s got you down" The man says “I just found out my Niece is gay.” The next day he orders 4 shots of Whisky The Bartender asks “What’s got you down now?” The man says "I just found out my son is gay." The next day he orders 6 shots of whisky The Bartender says "Got anybody who likes Women? " The man says “My wife does.”
A TWELVE VOLT BATTERY walks into a tavern and orders a drink.The bartender serves him, and comments now don’t start anything.
Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, “Who’s the toughest guy in here?” The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom. Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, “Who’s the toughest guy in here tonight?” The bartender points to the bathroom and says he’s in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, “What happened in there?” Jim smiles and says, “I don’t know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket int the toilet.”
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “how much for a beer?” The bartender replies, “for you? No charge!”
A nucleus walked into a bar, he asked the bartender, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replied, “For you, NO CHARGE!”
Julius Caesar walks into a bar and orders a Martinus. The bartender asks, "Don’t you mean Martini?"
Julius Caesar says, “No, I only want one.”
A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about making a horrible sound. The bartender says “Hey, looks like he can’t play that!”, and the octopus says, “Play it? As soon as I get it’s pajamas off, I’m gonna f@ck it!”
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to
Dog walks into a bar… & Sez to bartender. I’m looking for the man who shot my paw…
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a third of a beer. The bartender bellows, “Get the hell out of here, are you trying to ruin me?”
Duck walks Into a bar the duck says to the bartender hey bartender got any bread bartender says no then the duck says hey bartender got any bread bartender says NO duck says hey bartender got any bread bartender says no and if you say that one more time I will nail your bill to this bar duck says hey bartender htm title=' duck says well then bartender got any bread'>got any nails bartender says no the duck says well then bartender got any bread
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