My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year? ”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

Last night I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”