Best Jokes

I named my dog 5-Miles so now I tell people I walk 5-Miles everyday

“I work with animals” the man said to his date. his date said “I love a man who works with animals what job is it for the animal” “I am a butcher” said the man

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

R u a toaster? cuz i wanna take a bath wit u r u a knife? cuz u make me wanna kms r u a painting? cuz i hang u r u the flu? cuz u make me wanna hurl r u a newspaper? cuz u have new problems everyday r u the ground? cuz im six feet deep in u ;)

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness. Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!"

So three daughters were sitting in the same room as their mother, the first daughter asked why she was named Daisy. So the mother replies “Because when we were taking you out of the hospital, a daisy landed on your forehead.” The second daughter asked why she was named Rose. So the mother explained “Same as Daisy, when you we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your forehead.” The third daughter then said “ksvrjxbdkavdowbxksb” so the mother said “Shut Up Brick!”

What is different about priests and acne.

Acne waits until your 13 to cum on your face

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

What’s green and smells like bacon?

Kermit’s finger.

The only time you see a depressed person lifted up — when they hang themselves.

Yo mama is so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.

I will always remember my grandpa’s last words. SHIT, THE LADDER IS FALLING!

Gays are always welcome on my redneck Party Bus. NOT!

What is the difference between an ISIS training camp and a school? Don’t ask me, i just fly the drone.

Why did the fish cross the sea?

To get to the other tide!??????

Yo mama so fat her swimming is sea world

Yo mamas so poor the ducks through bread at her

What do you call a weak, beta, tall and dumb kid, A banana. But if youre vegan you call him food. If youre poor you eat the skin.

Where did the software developer go?! I don’t know, he ransomware!

Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!

Why was Stephen Hawking never trusted when taking a quiz. “No computers allowed on the test”