Best Jokes

There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up and Manners. One day Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station whilst Manners tried to help Shit. When Shut up got to the police station he says “my brother has just been hit by a car.” The policeman replied with “OK then first I need to know your name.” “Shut up” “No, I need to know your name.” “Shut up. ” “Excuse me but where are your manners.” “Round the corner picking up shit.”

My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again

My daughter said i could never make a car out of spaghetti, you should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!!!

So three daughters were sitting in the same room as their mother, the first daughter asked why she was named Daisy. So the mother replies “Because when we were taking you out of the hospital, a daisy landed on your forehead.” The second daughter asked why she was named Rose. So the mother explained “Same as Daisy, when you we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your forehead.” The third daughter then said “ksvrjxbdkavdowbxksb” so the mother said “Shut Up Brick!”

A farmer walks up to his farmer neighbor with a jug of milk. the farmer says “I milked your cow”. the neighbor replies “i have a bull not a cow”

What is the worst part of milking a cow?

The smell of the dairy air.

What do you call terrible milk?

Udder Bullshit

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

One, if you throw it hard enough.

What’s the easiest way to get straight As? Use a ruler.

Question: What’s bald and is in a straight line?

Answer: The cancer ward

How do you turn get a straight guy into you a gay guy well… For starts you grab that ass of his drag him into the bathroom and tell him to suck my long big pineapple and thus you have yourself one straight guy converted into dick suckin machine

Why don’t midgets fight? They walk away to be the bigger man

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

I fear my last words will be ‘‘hold my beer and watch this.’’

A girl and dog get dropped off at an orphanage why was she crying before she went in Because the people came back for their dog

Why did stephen hawkins die

He lost internet connections

Was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,“If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

%%“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said…“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. "Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.”

Not a joke but still dc

Ow! you hit the spot!

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

You know why I don’t buy Velcro items anymore?

They are a total rip off.

A mexican was doing a magic trick he said “uno, dos,” then disappeared without a trace