Best Jokes

%%Dad: “Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?”

Son: “Nah, mostly men.”

Dad: “Do you think you’d be comfortable telling that to a judge in court…”

What’s a Mexican’s favorite video game?

Borderlands.

I tried to high five a tree it left me hanging

What’s the easiest way to get straight As? Use a ruler.

So a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: “I’m sorry, you only have ten left.” The other man smiles nervously and asks, “T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him. “Nine.”

My doctor said “you have 1year to live”

I said " you wanna bet"

Bam a gun shot

What’s the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? – For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!

“I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry”

Me having a good day Going on a walk on a peaceful day* my depression: hey whats up! Me: go away. My depression: well how rude. Me:??. My depression: remeber that one tim… Me: no, dont even. My depression: that we… Me: nope. My deprssion: says really fast:said that one stupid joke that wasnt funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilt water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like yoy do every single night. Me:???. My depression:?? dont worry I’ll always be here for you.

So my friends birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.

There are three men walking down the road and they come across a farm that is for sale. The three men look at each other and put all their money together to buy the farm. On that farm there is a cow a monkey and a bunch of cow food. The men are out of money and the farm is going out of business. One of the men’s sees that there is a contest for the biggest

Whats the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Bigfoot has been sighted.

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream?

Because he was hit by a bus.

There was a kid at school he was reading a book and he came across a phrase it was purple pation he went to his teacher and asked what it ment his teacher said hat the actual hell get the hell out of my class and go to the princible offic the princible said its ok iwas probably a mistake i will clean this all up in the mean time whats the phrase he says purple pation his prncible stares at him for about 3 seconds then says get the hell out of my school u r expelled he ran 7 miles to his dads offic crying all the way he went to his dad and explained how hs teacher kicked him out of the class and the princable expelled him his dad said calm down i will clean this all up and he said thats what the princable said he said i will clean it up he said ok the phrase is purple pation hisdad said i hate u getout of myoffice i dont want to see u again he ran down crying to his house he explained what happened his mom said the same thing as everyone else so he explaines the phrase his moms kickes him out of the house and he ran down to the park crying a old lady said whats wrong he explained whats happening then she says wellwhats the phrase he says purplepation the old lady said see that house across the street thats my house come over in about 30 min and i will explain he says thank u it was the longest 30 min htm title=' gets hit by a bus sorry guys ;)'>of his life he sprints across the street and gets hit by a bus sorry guys ;)

What do you call it when a midget waves at you? A microwave

Will glass coffins be a success? – Remains to be seen.