Doctors jokes

Doctor: you’ll be at peace soon, sir. Me: what am I dying? Doctor: no your wife is.

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Asian man goes to the eye doctor. Doctor says, “It looks like you have a cataract.” Asian guy says, “No Doc, I drive a Rincoln.”

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Where do sick boats go? – The dock!

There is a man in the hospital the power went out and the man was stabbed to death, there are three witnesses, the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who was at the vending machine, who killed the man? The mom did because you can’t use a vending machine when the powers out!

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9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. – That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

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%%I took a banana to the doctor. It wasn’t peeling well.

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A man wakes up from his operation and the doctor says ‘I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?’ The man says ‘bad’ so the doctor says ‘during the surgery your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man’ the man says ‘what’s the good then? ’ And the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’

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A guy is at home and he’s about to go get a physical at the Doctor’s office. When he gets there, the Doctor says, “Brian, you’re going to have to stop masturbating. ” He asked the Doc why? The Doc said, “So I can examine you!”

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I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where i should put my pants. “next to mine” was not the answer i was expecting

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The person who made it a law to not hurt girls is stupid because we’ve all kicked a pregnant woman before we where even born.

The doctor says to the woman there was good and bad news. the woman says she wants the bad news first the doctor says the bad news is the baby had red hair. then he said the good news is it is dead.

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So i went to the doctors and the doctor said "Pick a star sign any star sign" So i said "Aquarius" And the doctor said “nah mate you’ve got cancer”

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Patient to doctor "will I be ok Doc?" Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now" Patient: "I dont do that astrology stuff" Doctor:“Nor me. My thermometer just broke”

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A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.

“Oh no, Tom’s an idiot, what did he name my daughter?” she asked the nurse.

“Denise. ”

“That’s not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?”

“Tom Junior.”

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A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

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What’s the difference between an anal and oral thermometer? The taste.

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When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school. At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters

‘PNEIS’

And form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered ‘SPINE’ are doctors.

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