Nut jokes

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My puns drive people nuts, this is usually when I bolt away

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Did you guys see on the news where they arrested that pervert at the Michaels Crafts store?? He was running around completely naked and had sprinkled glitter all over his testicles. I guess it was pretty nuts.

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What’s the difference between a peanut and a priest?

With a peanut, you have to break the shell open for the nut to come out.

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What did one nut say to the other? Ignore the guy in the middle. He’s a d!ck.

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Was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,“If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

%%“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said…“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. "Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.”

Not a joke but still dc

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%%A pirate walks into a bar with a wheel hanging down his pants. A guy walks buy and says ""Pardon me sir, but you’ve got a wheel hanging down your pants. The pirate responds ‘‘I know. i’ts driving me nuts!’’

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2 nuts were walking down the street, and one was a-salted!

What’s A Squirrels Favourite OTT? Nut-Flix

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