So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!”

My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day: Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you’re told.

What’s the difference between your girlfriend and sister? Nothing if your from Alabama

Boy: my girlfriend didn’t dump me, I dumped her…

Off the nearby cliff

I decided to visit Saudi Arabia with my girlfriend.

She and I learned they celebrate Pride month by throwing stones.