Jesus said to his disciples “Go forth and ye shall receive eternal life”. Thomas came fifth however so he only got a toaster.

I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I Wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone, and it turns out he only knows Spanish so When he kept saying “Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida.” I thought he wanted water, but when I got back with the water he was asleep and now my phone was charged so I translated what he said. And it was “You unplugged my life support”, that’s when I called the doctor…

Good news is, I got one sick selfie!

If being ugly was a crime you would have a life sentence

My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships

There is a tree out there giving you oxegyn, and you owe that tree an apology.

I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

When I saw your dad on the side walk I didn’t laugh but the sidewalk cracked up.

If I had powers I would make you the dumbest person alive but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart I’d be broke.

You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting

Were you born on a highway cuz that’s where most accidents happen

Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya

Your the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented

My mom trying to get me to do dishes

Mom: I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes.

Me: Why did you?

Mom: I was very drunk…

Explains a lot…