Best Jokes

What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

I go into get a prostate exam, I’m nervous but the doctor says its all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.

That’s when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.

Why can’t depressed people leave the maze?

Because their lives are the walls and they are to scared to meet the exit.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It don’t matter what you call it. It ain’t coming.

Famous last words: I COULD EAT THIS IN ONE BITE!

I had an uncle who was a conductor. He wasn’t a symphony conductor, nor was he a street car conductor, nor was he a train conductor. He was struck by lightning.

What’s a similarity between your best friend and a tree? They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.

I asked my girlfriend if he wanted to join my family tree… She dropped the rope and ran

One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!



I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire today. Now they call him Hot Wheels.

Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exersice. They got up into the air and Jim said, “okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want.” Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, “I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire.” Allyn said “what?” As he looked over at Jim.

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”

One day at school, Little Johnny and his friends were asked to do a sheet of paper which said, “Put a matching word from the word bank into the slot in the sentence that makes it make sense.” But when the teacher marked Little Johnny’s papers, she asked why he put the word bank in every slot. And he says, “Well teacher, you said to put a word from the word Bank and that’s one word! So I had no choice but to put down that word!”

You know the song getting drunk on a plane it was written by the pilot of the linerd skinerd pilot

A farmer walks up to his farmer neighbor with a jug of milk. the farmer says “I milked your cow”. the neighbor replies “i have a bull not a cow”

What did the beach say as the tide came in?

Long time, no sea.

What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start:)