Best Jokes

Why did Timmy fall down the stairs? Because he fell of his wheelchair

Fun fact! You can hold your breath till the rest of your life

Person A: cmon person B, just be happy, smile Person B: over my dead body Person B: gets the noose

I was watching my daughter at a park she was playing with a few people another parent came up to me and said which was is yours, just for fun i said “i am still choosing” she looked horrified

So Kenny finally found his one true love. But he can’t be with her because it’s illegal to marry your sister.

Daughter: mommy what ever happened to Steven hawking? Mother: he died. Daughter: how did he die? Mother: he never got recharged.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

Are you the Lusitania cos i wanna fire a torpedo into you

One man was very depressed cause he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grief. Suddenly with the head rise up he sees Santa Claus walking by. — Santa? he asks. ‘Why are you early, it is not even christmas?’

Ho, ho. Don’t worry about me. Lets worry about you instead’ says Santa. What is the problem my friend?’

I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house." Santa: I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life and i’ll give it to you-" Man: My first wish is i want my house back. Santa: Done! Man: My second wish is i want 1 million amount of cash in my bank account. Santa: Done! Man: My third wish is i also want my job back! Santa: Done, but before i actually give you those wishes, I haft to hump you. Man: Okey. Lets do it. So the Santa claus takes of his pants to hump the man. After they are done humping the santa ask the man: -How old are you? Man: I am 35 years old. Santa: And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!

For steven hawking why is being drunk and having his power shutout the same He blacks out

Some guy was mad at his ex wife! so he threw a bottle of alcohol into her house when he was drunk. And realized when he was being questioned for arson, his cigarette was in the rim of the bottle.

Yo mama so fat, when she walked by the TV, I missed three episodes.

Yo mama so fat, she got baptized at SeaWorld.

Yo mamas so fat that she doesn’t need internet cause she is already world wide

As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life change when I found out she was under the horse.

You don’t have a forehead you have a five head.

You don’t have dreams you have movies.

Your forehead is so big I bet your dreams are in IMAX.

Just killed a woman feeling good -Tommyinnit

What did the priest say to the other in the orphanage?

“Let us prey together.”

Where do mermaids get a job?

At the kelp wanted station

Guy asked me what I do for a living. Now I’m not old enough to get a job so I said nothing. He asked me again so I said, “Your wife” The guy goes to slap me but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, “You swore not to tell!”