Best Jokes

What’s the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? – For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.” The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, “Jesus is watching you.” The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, “Are you the one who’s been talking to me?” The parrot responds, “Yes.” The thief couldn’t believe it. So, he asks another question. “What is your name?” “Ismael.” the parrot replies. The man scoffed. “What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?” The parrot speaks yet again, “The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus.”

Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times?

He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.

Myrtle Beach has a clear blue sky and sunny, a pleasant air to visit as a family. Don’t you think they are not evil creatures and do you think they have them? “No, there are no gost or evil creatures.” You can say that, but don’t be surprised when Gina Claw Scare comes for you, aka GCS for short. Gina Claw Scare was born in North Carolina in August 1991. She died in 2000. No, that’s not real. WRONG. Gina’s real name was Gina Clawien Scaren. Yes, that’s why her name is Gina Claw Scare. Why did she die? I know right? She died from a curse from her bad companions. We never knew their names. The curse sent her down a dark path, demons and hate comments from people on istagram, facebook and the worst jokes on the site.

Gina Claw Scare loved fire. Which means she was a pyromaniac. She would rise from the grave in which she was buried. Did what? Stop, for real this time! They buried her on a loan in the forest. That caught fire. “HARSH MAN!” I know right? She rises from that grave, she comes for the people who call her by name four times. Then she beat the drums and set your house on fire! A fire so harmful that you can feel hurt, friends. You can hear everyone’s screaming. And then become like her. Never say her name. NEVER

Do one day i was sitting on my couch watching youtube when i heard a knock on the door. i opened the door and to my surprise it was my dad. i haven’t seen him in 16 years, so i let him in. i noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge. then he walked towards me and said “Oh no! i forgot the cereal! ” then he walked out the door and drove away. i never saw him again

Yo mama is so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job application.

What is a tornado favorite game?

Twister!

I fear my last words will be ‘‘hold my beer and watch this.’’

Lets make a joke on how depressing monday is to ignore how depressing everyday is.

What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?

Take her wheel chair, she’ll come crawling back.

Friends are like trees, they fall over if you hit them with an ax.

My sister reminds me of 911 one moan of OMG got everyone’s attention.

You have to do this and my sister said well I don’t care and I said well you care enough to respond back oh my gosh.

Orphan boy:Your dad is probably dissapointed of you i mean look at you Me: well at least my parents kept me wheres yours

The pope drives around in a glass box or as I like to call him a snipers dream

It was the year 1912, I was in the SS. titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, “I’ve heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?”

People can say whatever they want about pedophiles. At least they are pursuing their dreams.

In a white van.

Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone

He got ran over by a bus

I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone I didn’t know you’re not supposed to do that if you’re a bus driver!