Best Jokes

When I was a little boy I had this dream I was eating a giant marshmallow

When I woke I was being sexually abused

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park. Lord: Has something happened while I was gone? Gardener: Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burrying your dog. Lord: My dog died?! Gardener: Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down. Lord: My mansion?! How?! Gardener: Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains. Lord: Why was she so distraught? Gardener: She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped. Lord: My daughter! Don’t you have any positive news for me?! Gardener: Oh right! Your cancer test results!

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

In heaven responsible for the joke is the English man for food the Italian man and for the law and order a German man… In hell responsible for food is the English man for order and law the Italian man and for jokes the German man

What did the doctor say to the chinese patient? Sum ting wong

Roses are red, violets are black, I traded my son for 10 big macs

Joe mama so fat she went wearing high heels and came back in flip flops

The teacher asked her class to use definitely in a sentence. Little Johnny raised his hand to answer, yet the teacher passed him and went on to Kevin. “The sky is definitely blue.” “Very good Kevin,but the sky can also be blue or black.” the teacher replied. Little Johnny raised his hand again as high as he could, yet the teacher passed right over him. And picked Annie from the back of the room. “The grass is definitely green.” “Very good Annie, but it can also be brown.” Little Johnny was waving his hand like crazy seeking her attention. Finally she called on him. “Mines more of a question, but do farts have lumps in them?” “Why no Johnny why would you ask such a question?” She questioned. “Well if they don’t have lumps in them, then I definitely just shit myself.”

Sans:why was the skeleton depressed? because frisk keeps reseting and it resets when he lost his phone

I’m not saying I hate you. But if you got hit by a bus I’d be driving that bus.

How did the computer get out of the house?

He used windows.

I was watching my daughter at a park she was playing with a few people another parent came up to me and said which was is yours, just for fun i said “i am still choosing” she looked horrified