Best Jokes

So I went to my friends funeral today, As we were all leaving a kid put a get well soon card next to my friends grave ‘poor kid’

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

What’s the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

Why did the man get fired from work cause he took 2 days off in febuary

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire today. Now they call him Hot Wheels.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He yelled, "Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!" The Doctor replies, “I know, I amputated your arms.”

Famous last words: I COULD EAT THIS IN ONE BITE!

What do you call a man that has no arms, no legs and sits in front of your door? Mat.

Yo mama so ugly when her parents had a gender reveal part the balloon came out green.

You have to do this and my sister said well I don’t care and I said well you care enough to respond back oh my gosh.

Bully: I bet your dick is so small when you look down in the the sower you can’t even see it.

Guy: No I see your sister’s head

Doctor: you’ll be at peace soon, sir. Me: what am I dying? Doctor: no your wife is.

When deaf people fight, they let their fists do the talking.

I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

You know why I don’t buy Velcro items anymore?

They are a total rip off.

Two guys where on a hunting trip and after the first day of hunting they don’t see anything so that decide the next day they will split up and meet back at, the fire at dinner time. After a day of hunting they meet back at the fire and the one hunter asked the other how did your day go? So the one hunter said “I had the best day ever,” I went down the hill and hunted by the train tracks and saw the hottest chick ever, we had sex for hours in every position you could think of. Then the other hunter asked him “was she a good lookin blond? ” And he said “ oh I don’t know I didn’t find her head”

Why are dolphins so smart? Because within three hours they can train a human to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish!