Best Jokes

13 April: Top today:

There was a car accident and the cops pull up to the crime seen to start asking people questions. The police started talking to a blonde lady and said what happened here she responded by saying a car crash. They then asked but how did it happen, she responded the cars crashed into each other. They finally said but why did it happen. The lady said oh i know where your going with this. It happened because when cars push on the gas peddle the car goes forward and they both pushed it so they both went forward and hit each other. One cop said never mind mam and they stared walking away. The blonde lady then said oh and officers my computer froze do you think i should put in the microwave or in the oven?

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Computer jokes


13 April: Hit jokes:

Whats black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.

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13 April: Dark Humor:

Once there was a girl named Sally! She had no arms or legs, was mute, deaf, and blind

Knock knock Whos there? Not sally

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Why does a movie set say break a leg? because they have a CAST

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Why were the cherries?? crying?

Because their parents were in a jam.

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13 April: Paint jokes:
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A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, This is your lucky night. Ive got a special game for you. Ill do absolutely anything you want for?300 as long as you can say it in three words. The guy replies, Hey, why not? He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays? 300 on the bar, and says slowly. Paintmy.house.

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13 April: Fire jokes:
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13 April: Family jokes:

How do you give a redneck a circumcision? Kick his sister in the jaw.

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Boy: why is my sister named Rose Dad: someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head Boy: okay Dad Dad: No problem Brick

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I told my friend yesterday hes literally my dad.

He didnt show up for the rest of the year.

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13 April: Dream jokes:

Man: I know how to please a woman. Woman: Then please leave me alone, you ugly two-faced hypocrite.

Man: I want to give myself to you. Woman: Sorry, I dont like ugly peasants.

Man: Your hair colour is fabulous. Woman: I hate your hair colour, though.

Man: You look like a dream. Woman: Then open your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, hypocrite!

Man: I can tell that you want me. Woman: Yes, I want you dead.

R.I.P

Man: Hey, baby, whats your sign? Woman: F*** you, pedophile!

Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services for pedophiles.

Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down, you little peasant.

Man: Whats it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar? Every other woman I see looks ugly. Bleuch! Woman: How dare you!

Man: Havent I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yeah, thats why I dont go there anymore. I saw you playing with boxes in the store room and saying I AM KING OF THE WORLD!

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An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman, and falls in love with her. Man: Hey, cute lady! Woman: Leave me alone, you ugly two faced man! I already have a boyfriend. Man: Not for long! And then the man shoots the womans boyfriend. Woman: How dare you murder such a beautiful man! Man: Now you shall be my girlfriend. Woman: Never. And then the man takes the seat that the womans boyfriend was sitting in before. Man: You look like a dream. Woman: Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder. Man: Whats it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly woman? Bleuch! Woman: Whats it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men? And then the man orders flowers and candy. Bartender: We dont serve flowers, or candy. And the man shoots the bartender. Another man cant believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man, and throws him out.

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13 April: Hell jokes:
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How do we know Stephen is dying in hell

Theres a stairway to heaven.

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[god creating sharks] god: ok give them 3 rows of teeth. Angel: seems excessive but ok. God: and make them mean as hell. Angel: wtf y. God: BECAUSSE I SAID SO. Angel: god: and make one of the types have a hammer for a head angel: why do I still work for you? God: because Im the only employer as of right now.

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13 April: Puns jokes:

I would tell you a construction pun, but Im still working on it

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13 April: Sea jokes:
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What is the weirdest thing to wear and what is weirdest thing to say. Weirdest thing to ware: Socks with sandals, also with flip flops! Weirdest thing to say: Would you rather be a bath or a toilet? The blue angel sea slug looks like an alien. (weird). Bonus: Things to ware with other things: Crop top with t-shirt(really hip), Crop top with tights or shorts, dresses with tights! (Cool) Oh well byeeeeeee!

All these sea monster jokes are just Kraken me up.

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