There are some sounds that everyone loves…
Shoes on gravel
Crackling of fire
The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
Cats purring
When the school shooter pulls the fire alarm and the autistic kid thinks it’s a rave party.
I live next to a kindergarten and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it’s me who has a drill around little children.
“Sanderson, fire a warning shot.”
“Uhh sir, this is an M32 rotary grenade launcher.”
“Ah potato-potato, just pull the trigger.”
(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes)
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick
I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.
4.Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.
Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What’s Black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawkins in a house fire.
What’s the difference between a hamster and a cigarette? They’re both harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire
Why did the little girl’s ice cream melt?
She was on fire.
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs. B is for Basil assaulted by bears. C is for Clara who wasted away. D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh. E is for Ernest who choked on a peach. F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech. G is for George smothered under a rug. H is for Hector done in by a thug. I is for Ida who drowned in a lake. J is for James who took lye by mistake. K is for Kate who was struck with an axe. L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. M is for Maud who was swept out to sea. N is for Neville who died of ennui. O is for Olive run through with an awl. P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl. Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire. R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire. S is for Susan who perished of fits. T is for Titus who flew into bits. U is for Una who slipped down a drain. V is for Victor squashed under a train. W is for Winnie embedded in ice. X is for Xerxes devoured by mice. Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in. Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin
What’s the difference between a Cop and a bullet? When a bullet kills someone it gets fired.
I usually dont make 9/11 jokes. But they just are fire.
Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? – He took a day off.
Commander: "Fire a warning shot" Soldier: "Sir, this is a M32 grenade launcher" Commander: "potato, potato, just fire" Soldier: fires M32 grenade launcher near a pre-school Commander: “They’re trying to run, TAKE THEM DOWN!”
I was about to change my password to fire-fist ace… but apparently it was too weak.
On the inside of a fire hydrant you’ll find H2O. What’s on the outside? K9P
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter? He was shredding the floor…
Why was michael jackson fired as a guitar teacher because he fingerd a minor
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