I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me. She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand. Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys I asked and she said that’s my fam as well I noticed an Alabama drivers license I asked where which one was her dad she said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter I casually asked what he did for work self employed she said That’s the last time I use ancestry.com

You know whats the worst about having a daughter with cancer? You can’t pull her hair when you hit it from the back

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got the see either of them and they are now extinct

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.