As I’m lying down on the table for a radiation treatment, a small angel lands on one shoulder, a tiny devil on the other shoulder. And then the mind game begins:

Angel: This won’t last long. You are perfectly lined up. The treatment only lasts a few mins. Remember, stay absolutely still.

Devil: Did she just twitch?

A: No. She didn’t twitch.

D: I think I saw her finger twitch.

A: Well, even if it did, it’s her thigh the techs are aiming at.

D: She wants to scratch her face.

A: Stop it! She can handle staying still a few minutes.

D: But her cheek has an itchy spot.

A: She can just let it itch. She doesn’t need to scratch every itch. She will just have to think about something else.

D: Wow…that cheek is really itchy…

A: Think about: Flowers. Acrylic painting. Did the trash get picked up this morning? Her grandson Oliver’s smile…

D: How about a song?

A: Good idea!

D: How about… “Never going to give you up. Never going to let you down…”??

A: OMG! You just Rick-rolled her! She’s in the middle of a treatment! You know that’s the only part she knows!

D: That’s okay. She’ll just repeat the words she knows over and over and over and…

A: Don’t be so mean!

D: “Never going to give you up…??”

A: Stop it!

D: Her toe! Her big toe! Did you see that? She just twitched it!

A: No, she didn’t.

D: I bet it screwed up the test and they have to start over…

A: She didn’t screw anything up!

D: She totally screwed the test up and they were more than halfway done. If they start over at the beginning, she will get too much radiation, and they will end up slicing her whole leg off!

A: That’s not how it works…

D: Or they just stop all together and she only gets a partial treatment and her tumor won’t get enough radiation.

A: They know what they are doing!

D: …And it won’t shrink the tumor and the whole thing fails. And the doctor will have to amputate her leg.

A: No! No! No! That’s not how any of this…

D: …And when they amputate, it will be at the hip and not below the knee because the tumor is in her thigh.

A: Stop this right now!!

D: “Never going to give you up…??”

A: Stop!

D: “…never going let you down…??”

A: I’m not going to let you…

D: “Never going to give you up…??”.

Techs: Okay. That’s it, Tammi! We are finished! How are you doing?

Tammi: …Oh, I’m fine…

Always practice safe sex: paint an x on the sheep that kick.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how many you throw.

Little Johnny likes to play with toy guns little Johnny paints them black little Johnny went to a gun store little johnny made a big mess the cemitary people were getting paid.

What does it take to paint a wall red?

Kurt Cobain and his shotgun.