Boss: Why are you so bad at driving trains, how many have you derailed this year

Me: Sorry boss, it’s hard to keep track

Why was the train late?

It kept getting side-tracked.

Why do school shooter have the best shots??? They train at the best schools.???

You don’t usually see strap-hangers carrying newspapers these days. But one guy with the New York Times is seen getting on a crowded F Train. He notices a single seat not taken. Suspicious, he gets closer and sniffs it out. The seat is discolored but dry. Throwing caution to the winds, he removes a section from the paper and sets it down to buffer the spot from his behind. He sits down, stretches his feet and yells out: “Try sitting on your smartphones, suckers!”