Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?” He responded with, “The cat is dead.” She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you’ve broken the new slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor things dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?” “She’s playing on the roof.”

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles’ elbow.