If being ugly was a crime you would have a life sentence

My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships

There is a tree out there giving you oxegyn, and you owe that tree an apology.

I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

When I saw your dad on the side walk I didn’t laugh but the sidewalk cracked up.

If I had powers I would make you the dumbest person alive but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart I’d be broke.

You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting

Were you born on a highway cuz that’s where most accidents happen

Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya

Your the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented

My mom trying to get me to do dishes

Mom: I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes.

Me: Why did you?

Mom: I was very drunk…

Explains a lot…

My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my h.i.v test w/out studying

Life is a try not to kill yourself challenge.