I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

“I’m not sure why my girlfriend’s father doesn’t like me.”

“What was your first impression on him?”

“I told him, she calls me daddy too.”