I was told to burn calories so I threw your mom in the fire.

My little cousin’s birthday was in a few days and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming “HOT WHEELS!”

(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes)

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick

I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.

4.Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.

Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

“Sanderson, fire a warning shot.”

“Uhh sir, this is an M32 rotary grenade launcher.”

“Ah potato-potato, just pull the trigger.”