Two kids walked into a bar, they were covered with blood. the bartender asked what happened. The youngest said “Well, we we’re trying to paint our basement but we threw the babies too hard”.
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of ten dollar bills so he asks the bartender if its a jar of tips. The bartender says no, its for a bet. So the man asks what the bet is and the bartender says, well if you put ten dollars into the jar then knock out the bouncer, next you go outside and remove a rotten tooth out of the rottweiler’s mouth, and last you go upstairs and give an orgasm to the fat lady who has never had one. If you can do all those things then you get everything in the jar as well as free drinks for the month. So the guy puts in ten dollars, turns to the guy next to him and knocks him out with one punch. Then the guy continues outside, all you hear for an hour is screaming and whining from the dog, when all is silent the man walks in and asks, so where is the fat lady with the tooth?
A hitman walks into a bar and tells the bartender I m here to assassinate John Tucker. The bartender replies he’s in the restroom. The hit man goes inside the restroom and comes out after 1 hour. The bartender asks him did u kill him? The hitman replies with a sad face “I asked him any last wishes and the guy asked me to allow him to finish his shit as he is half way in passing his stools so I gave him my word that I would wait and so I waited for an hour and when I asked him what’s taking him so long he says he will not be able to finish because he is just getting started”.
A hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m sorry. We don’t serve food here.”
A nucleus walked into a bar, he asked the bartender, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replied, “For you, NO CHARGE!”
A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus,the bartender says "Don’t you mean a Martini?"the Roman then says "Look,if I want a double I’ll ask for one.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1 foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a beer, and says “man, how’d you get such a short piano player.” The bartender says in response” there’s a genie in the back of the bar.” The man finishes his beer and runs to the back, looking for the genie. He finds it and says “I wish for a million bucks.” Suddenly, a million ducks fly out of the bar. The customer looks confused and goes back to the bartender and says “what just happened” the bartender replies “the genie is half deaf, do you really think I’d ask for a 12 inch pianist?”
So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, “After this last drink, I’m going to the roof to kill myself.” A guy sitting next to him says, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”, in which the man replies, “Oh yeah?” So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says “You’re not gonna die, watch this!” He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says “Cool, let me try!”, and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says “Superman, you’re an asshole.”
A blond a bernet and a red head walked into a bar the bartender told them their was a magic merror in the bathroom.He said that if you spoke the truth infront of the merror you would have your greatest desires but if you told a lie you would disappear .The red head sais that she was the pretiest girl in the bar and she walked out the bathroom and she got athusand dollars.The berrnet walked in and said she was the smartest one in the bar she walked out the ber with a new car. The bland went she said I think poof she was gone
Little johnny is a trucker, he stops at a bar. johnny sees a sign that says hamburgers for two dollers, cheeseburger for three dollars, handjob for ten dollars. he walks up to the bartender and whispers to her, “are you the one that gives the handjobs for ten dollars?” she replies “yes, thats me” johnny says “well can you wash your hands because i want a cheeseburger”
A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks “where’d you get that lovely thing?” “Africa” the parrot replied.
A block of gold walked into a bar, the bartender said ‘AU, get out!”
A pirate walked into a bar with his ship’s steering wheel hanging off his pants. The bartender says, “Hey! What’s with the steering wheel?” The pirate says, “I don’t know but it’s driving me nuts!” A grasshopper jumps into a bar. The bartender says “we’ve got a drink named after you. ” The grasshopper says “seriously? Why would you name a drink named Callum?”
Q: What did the drunk emo say to the bartender? A: Nothing! He was hung over.
Steven hawking walks into a bar, the bartender says… WAITTTT WHATTT
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