What’s the similarity between a Christmas ornament and a person? They both hang…
When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.
Brian has a crush on a cute girl Sally from school so he goes and tells his dad about her and he says sorry son you cant like her she is your sister. So Brian is okay with it and he starts to like another girl Madison and he goes up to his dad and says I have a crush on this girl Madison and again the dad goes oh sorry son you cant like any girl in school they are all your sisters so he goes crying to his mom and says dad said I cant like any girl because they are all my sisters and the mom goes oh it’s okay you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad.
My friends: ugh why are you so lazy and no fun My parents: why can’t u be like ur siblings My teacher: I don’t care if ur depressed focus on ur study! The songs: we understand you :)
So there’s a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says “Step on a crack and you break your mother’s back,”. The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother’s back breaking. The little girl’s father looks in terror, she then says “step on a line and you break your father’s spine,”. The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out “OW MY SPINE, ”. The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.
Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work. Paddy agrees to tell Seamuswife the bad news. He knocks on the door and Seamus wife answers. " Whats happened Paddy?" Paddy frowns. " Im sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, im so sorry." She started to cry and asked paddy: " Did he at least die quickly? " Seamus shook his head, " No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
I wish i could be as visible as my depression is. My future is so bright, i need a flashlight to see where i’m going
what did the rope and the tree say to the kid do you want to hang later
Chuck Norris doesn’t turn on his shower, he just stares at it until it cries
If you watch " jaws" backward it will be a heartwarming story about a shark who giving arms and legs to disable people
Yes I’m CUTE C-ringe U-gly T-errible E-mpty
Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful f@cker just sat in his wheelchair and cried
My neck, my back, my crippling anxiety attacks
Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? – Because the cow has the udder.
My girlfriends last words I can’t wait to become a mom
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