Dark Humor

They say string theory is hanging on by a thread.

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What was Stephens hawking last words? I’m lagging

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Chuck Norris doesn’t turn on his shower, he just stares at it until it cries

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A pirate walked into a bar with his ship’s steering wheel hanging off his pants. The bartender says, “Hey! What’s with the steering wheel?” The pirate says, “I don’t know but it’s driving me nuts! ” I got detention yesterday because I told the emo kid to “Hang in there.”

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What do you call a dog with no legs… My asian neighbors dinner. 

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Sex is like math. Subtract the clothes, Add the bed, Divide the legs, and pray to God there is no multiplying.

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what’s the difference between an onion and a baby? nobody cries when you cut up the baby.

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The depressed kid at school tried giving the tree a high five It left him hanging

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Where does a girl with one leg work? IHOP.

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What do you call a smurf with no arms or legs? A paintball

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When I saw a girl sitting on the ground crying When I asked her where her parents were, she cried louder That’s why I like to volunteer in an orphanage

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Whats a depressed persons favorite drink Depresso expresso Jk bleach

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A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street, he thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with so he called in one of the friends. The friend looked into the dead body’s face and said, “yep that’s definitely Joe,” but then to be absolutely sure he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants and said, "oh no wait that’s not Joe. the policeman called in the 2nd friend, the 2nd friend looked into the dead body’s face and said, “yep that’s definitely Joe,” but then to be absolutely sure he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants and said, "oh no wait that’s not Joe. Confused the policeman asked, “how is it that when you look into his face you’re sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you’re sure he is not?” The 1st friend said, “well you see Joe has 2 assholes.” "Are you serious? the policeman asked. “Oh yes,” he replied, “we’ve never actually seen them but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, hey there’s Joe with those 2 assholes.”

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a boy got a soccer ball and a bike for Christmas. Why is he sad? He doesn’t have legs

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What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and my life? They’re both pointless.

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