Are you a toaster? Bc I want to take a bath w you ;)
I wont ever Forget my dads last words: “OH GOD THE POLICE!!!”
You should never leave a man hanging. Unless they are still alive…
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats." Oh next thing he know he sees his dad jumping around the the bathroom yelling " f@cking, f@ck,f@ck,f@ck" " what does that mean dad?" And his dad yells " cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving and the doorbell rings and Johnny answers it and says " Hey bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad’s in the kitchen f@cking the turkey.
my sons so ungrateful. i bought him a trampoline and all he does is sit in his wheelchair and cry all day.
Me: Wanna play 9/11? Friend: What’s that? Me: Its a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.
I wish i could be as visible as my depression is. My future is so bright, i need a flashlight to see where i’m going
Father : “That’s great son. Who is she?” Son: “It’s Tina, the neighbor’s daughter”. Father : “Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister.” The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later Son : “Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!” Father : “That’s great son. Who is she?” Son: “It’s Peny, the other neighbor’s daughter.” Father : “Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that. Peny is also your sister.” This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother crying. Son : “Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because daddy is their father!” The mother hugs him affectionately and says: “My love, you can date whoever you want. Don’t listen to him. He is not your Father.”!!!
Why is a orphan crying about its family? Because it cant “let it go”
So sad when the emo kid tried to give a high five to a tree To bad he left him hanging
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Your mom.
i saw a little kid crying yesterday, so i asked him where his parents were. God i love working at an orphanage
Famous last words: “Don’t worry man, it’s not even loaded.”
Other girls be like “I want a 6ft guy”, meanwhile I want to be 6ft under ????
Why didnt Logan Paul high five the asain man…because he loves to leave asains hanging
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