1.) What’s Yellow And Can’t Swim?
A Bus Full Of Children 2.) Did you hear bout the pilsbury dough boy?
He died of a yeast infection 3.) I will never forget my grandads last words…
“you’re still holding the ladder right?” 4.) I have a fish that can breakdance…
Only for 20 seconds though, and only once 5.) give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours… Lite a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Lite a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
What do emos and apples have in common?
They both hang on trees.
What do you call a person with no arms or legs at your front door? Mat
I will always remember my grandfather’s last words before he died: is that a real chainsaw?
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.
The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says “20 years and not once, I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse". The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. “One more picture and I’ll jump.” He takes another photo and shuts the window. “I can’t jump, you’re not supposed to throw trash out the window.”
What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
Once i was walking along the beach and there was a girl with no arms or legs there, i walked by and she said excuse me, will you touch me ive never been touched before, i was like okay so i touched her, i kept on walking along and there was the same girl, she said sir will you kiss me, i went alright so i went up and kissed her, i thought that was weird but anyway i kept walking along and there she was again, she said sir will you f@ck me? I went okay so i picked her up and threw her in the ocean and went YOUR f@ckED NOW
My grandma just died from cancer
My last words to her were “I like your cut g”
Why does a movie set say break a leg? because they have a CAST
A depressed kid was stuck on a tree, and a man saw the kid
Man: Hang in there! Im gonna get some help!
Two minutes later, the kid literally did what the guy said
When its been halloween for a few months but there’s still a body hanging from your neighbours tree
To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple. I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression. Must be working, cause I’m still here
I will always remember my baby sisters last words.“What is the fire for?”.
My neck, my back, my crippling anxiety attacks
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