Doctors jokes

I’m a family doctor and I wish I could help but… you’re an orphan

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My doctor said “you have 1year to live” I said " you wanna bet" Bam a gun shot

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So i was sitting with my little brother and talk about our dreams. “What do you wanna be when you grow up?” I asked him. He answered “A doctor!”. I wanted to tease him so i said “I wouldn’t be treated by a doctor like you”. I was hoping he would get mad or something but instead, he calmly replied “Brother, i said doctor. Not a vet”

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A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

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By the way, this joke is easily found on Google, this was not created by me, I just have not seen it in these fat jokes so I thought I’d say it. Doctor: I diagnoss you with obesitiy. Patient: It runs in the family. Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.

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When does a doctor get mad? When he runs out of patients!

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A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to. He says to the first one "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny" He says to the second one "You are addicted to food, you named you daughter Candy" Then the third one whispers to her son “Come on Dick, lets go.”

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An orphan goes to a doctor. Doctor: Sorry I can’t help you Orphan: But why? Doctor: I’m a family doctor

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My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

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Me: DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I HAVE 50 SECONDS TO LIVE! Doctor: sit down for a minute.

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So this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road he starts speeding. Eventually he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, is my wife okay, she was carrying my child. The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes “APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage

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My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.”

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I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

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“Doctor, I’m shrinking!” “Well, you’ll just have to be a little patient.”

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I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where i should put my pants. “next to mine” was not the answer i was expecting

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