A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
Woman: Doctor, where are we going? Doctor: To the morgue. Woman: I’m not dead yet, doctor. Doctor: We’re not at morgue yet, either
Place a man in a morgue, he’ll try to leave.
Place a doctor in a morgue, he’ll go to work.
Place a necrophiliac in a morgue, he’ll stay happy for a week.
Patient: I’m starting to forget things Doctor: Since when have you had this condition? Patient: What condition?
Patient: “Doctor my bottom hurts” Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?” Patient: “Right around the entrance” Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance it will hurt”
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like
In the hospital paralyzed kid: I’m out walks out the room blind kid: you can walk?! mute kid: you can see?! deaf kid: you can talk?! doctor: wut the f(beep)k
I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I Wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone, and it turns out he only knows Spanish so When he kept saying “Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida.” I thought he wanted water, but when I got back with the water he was asleep and now my phone was charged so I translated what he said. And it was “You unplugged my life support”, that’s when I called the doctor… Good news is, I got one sick selfie!
Good news is, I got one sick selfie!
There’s a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard, the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, “People need me for my medical skills.” grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, “People need me for my intelligence.” grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, “I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute.” The nerd says, “Don’t worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack.”
What’s the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? – For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
When does a doctor get mad?
When he runs out of patients!
When I was born the doctors said, “it’s a boy!” Then when they went to cut the embilical cord, they cut the wrong thing. Then they said, “OH, It’s a girl.”
You’re so short, when you were born, the doctor couldn’t tell if you were a boy, a girl, or a Jimmy Dean pork sausage.
A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”. And the doctor replied, “I know. I amputated you arms.”
Why did the library book go to the doctor? – It needed to be checked out.
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