Family jokes

Dad: "if they jumped off a bridge would you?" Tommy: “yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!”

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My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day: Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you’re told. What’s the difference between your girlfriend and sister ? Nothing if your from Alabama

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I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. – I didn’t want to interrupt her. A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3… The boy said, “Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she’s in Grade 4”. The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.The principal decided to test the boy with some

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Why did the brother cross the road? Because The Sister Farted.

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Daughter: Mommy? Mom: Hey Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make sour patch kids? Mom: They don’t use kids to make sour patch kids Daughter: Oh that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny…

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My sister thinks shes so smart she said only and onion can make you cry so i brought the belt out and she started crying

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The doctor told me I had aids I said it’s your fault sister.

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I would name my daughter awesome so I can tell people that I’m f@cking awesome.

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Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got the see either of them and they are now extinct

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My Aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said “If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or its useless, throw it away.” the next time my Aunt visited she said “Where is you daughter? ” my Mom said “I took your advice”

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I told my friend yesterday he’s literally my dad. He didn’t show up for the rest of the year.

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What did the paintings name their daughter? Palette

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My friends daughter is taking a job in California parking cars. She says she wants to be a valet girl. For sure. For sure.

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What did one cell say to his sister when she stepped on his toe? Mitosis!

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This is a poem my younger sister when she was three, recited to a crowd and I will never forget it. It is very short though. Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what’s right, with all your might. 

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