Hell jokes

A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything

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really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box, and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations, and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts “Voodoo Dick, the door!” The wooden penis flies across the room, and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cahsier’s desk, and once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box and the cashier closes the lid. The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand.” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!” The man nods and heads home. Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip. A few days later, the wife becomes very horny, and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina, and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired, and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can, but just can’t get it it. The wife panicks, and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding, and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!” The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief. “Voodoo Dick my ass!" The Voodoo Dick then flies out of the woman’s vagina and inside the officer’s ass. The officer say “WHAT THE HELL GET THIS THING OUT OF MY ASSHOLE!” The woman laughs and replies, “Thanks officer” and turns around and goes home.

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a boy named jimmy was riding to hell to save his brothers and sister that is the last plase he pist there came a cross the devil part 1

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Why is Steven Hawkins going to hell… because its a stairway to heaven not a ramp!

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What’s Steven Hawkins favorite song? Highway to hell because it’s a staircase to heaven.

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Before Marriage Boy:At last, I can hardly wait! Girl: Do you want me to leave? Boy: No don’t even thing about it! Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course, always! Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: No, why are you asking? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get! Girl: Will you slap me? Boy: Hell nah, you crazy!! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yeah girl! Girl: Oh Honeyyy?? After Marriage Now, read that from the bottom to the top.

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I tried to eat ass once the donkeys got one hell of a kick!

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A group of Astronauts, a Mechanic, a Pilot & a Communications operator are on a very important mission to Mars when one of their solar panels gets grazed by a meteorite. And so the Astronauts quickly assemble in the hull to the they get orders from the ground. Once the Communications operator turned on coms, their man on the ground told the Pilot to continue their course & to send the Mechanic out to fix the problem. As the Mechanic worked on finishing repairing the solar panel, the Pilot & Communications operator told each other dark jokes when out of nowhere a meteorite field appeared! The Ground operator frighteningly shouted “Get him back in the ship!” to the Communications operator. “Chill out, he’ll be fine.” The Pilot assured him. “Get him the hell out of there, that’s an order!” The Ground operator argued. Then thirty seconds later the Communications operator came back from the air shoot & asked “Now what?”

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ex-bf’s gf: your so ugly as hell me: oh did I mention that i was trying to be you

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Give a man a potato, he is full for a day Give a man a poisoned potato, hell be full for the rest of his life.

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Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons. American: I won’t ever see my dog again! Italian: I won’t ever make pizzas again! German: Hey, granddad, how have you been?

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Cradles-By Sub Urban and watersharky Music Productions- I live inside my own world of make-believe Kids screaming in their cradles, profanities I see the world through eyes covered in ink and bleach Cross out the ones who heard my cries and watched me weep I love everything Fire’s spreading all around my room My world’s so bright It’s hard to breathe but that’s alright Hush Shh Tape my eyes open to force reality (oh no, no) Why can’t you just let me eat my weight in glee? I live inside my own world of make-believe Kids screaming in their cradles, profanities Some days I feel skinnier than all the other days And some days I can’t tell if my body belongs to me I love everything Fire’s spreading all around my room My world’s so bright It’s hard to breathe but that’s alright Hush Shh I wanna taste your content Hold your breath and feel the tension Devils hide behind redemption Honesty is a one-way gate to hell I wanna taste consumption Breathe faster to waste oxygen Hear the children sing aloud It’s music "til the wick burns out Hush Just wanna be care free lately, yeah Just kicking up daisies Got one too many quarters in my pockets Count "em like the four-leaf clovers in my locket Untied laces, yeah Just tripping on daydreams Got dirty little lullabies playing on repeat Might as well just rot around the nursery and count sheep

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ahem… if somebody you dont like, or somebody random just calls you in general, answer the phone with this Hello thank you for choosing mamas pizzeria/ abortion clinic, your loss is our sauce how may i help you? or hello this is davids orphanage you make them we take them how may i help you? some people reactions are priceless and then the wonder about you mental health

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Give Kobe a plane ticket, he’ll fly for the trip, but give Kobe a helicopter and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. I’M GOING TO HELL FOR THIS!!!

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(A man is walking on a bridge and sees a lady over the railing) Man: Ah… suicidal eh? Are you gonna jump? Lady: Yep. I hate this world. Man: Well, if your gonna die, can we have sex before you jump? Lady: Hell no! You creep! Man: Ok, fine. I guess I’ll just wait until your corpse washes onto the shore…

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School was fun but it was hard almost like riding a bike that’s on fire and the grounds on fire and everything’s on fire because it’s hell.

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