My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!
And the Lord said onto John, “Come forth to receive eternal life”. But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people.
My life is like a broken pencil, it’s pointless.
(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes) What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead. 4.Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at. Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Remember kids, when you’re angry, burn down an orphanage. Then they’ll really be living the hard knock life.
Despite Michael Jackson’s legal problems while we was alive, McDonald’s is still going to honor his life achievements in the music industry by naming a sandwich after him. They’re going to call it the McMichael! It’s going to be a fifty year old piece of meat pressed between two eight year old buns.
my happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my h.i.v test w/out studying
Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain… Me: So… You’re new? Depression: (I don’t know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading… You know… Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job… Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we’re friends! Me: Interesting… (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it’s problemos) Me: Well I think you’re signed up! I’ll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :) AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]
What’s My Favorite Thing About My Grandpa? His life insurance…
Kid: what is the biggest mistake you made in your life. Parents: go look above the bathroom sink *kid goes and looks but then he reilises
What’s Thanos’ favorite game? Half-life
How do you know when an orphan is lying. When they say I swear on my mother’s life
Jesus said to his disciples “Go forth and ye shall receive eternal life”. Thomas came fifth however so he only got a toaster.
Roses are red, life has no meaning, voices in my head, are constantly screaming.
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