Twinkle, twinkle little star. I hope i’ll get hit by a car. am not dead yet, i hope i’ll die. I hope i’ll born to a new hole life.
What did Earth say to the other planets? – “You guys have no life!”
A cow went into a pride of lion’s territory?
Since that moment he knew his life was on stake
I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I Wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone, and it turns out he only knows Spanish so When he kept saying “Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida.” I thought he wanted water, but when I got back with the water he was asleep and now my phone was charged so I translated what he said. And it was “You unplugged my life support”, that’s when I called the doctor… Good news is, I got one sick selfie!
Good news is, I got one sick selfie!
One night a girl said to her family "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa. the next morning her grandpa died. That night she said "Goodnight mommy, Goodnight daddy, Goodbye Grandma. the next morning the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night the girl said "Goodnight mommy, Goodbye daddy. the next morning the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine but when he went into the kitchen he saw his wife crying. when he asked her whats wrong she said “The Mail Man died”.
Jesus said to his disciples “Go forth and ye shall receive eternal life”. Thomas came fifth however so he only got a toaster.
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life change when I found out she was under the horse.
Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, “Who created the Earth?” And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, “MY GOD!” And the teacher says, “Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth.” Sally sits down. Then, the teacher asks, “Where do you go after you live a good life?” and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, “HEAVENS TO BETSY!” And the teacher says, “Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life.” Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around. And then, the teacher asks the class, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?” and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around and says, “If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I’m gonna lose it!” And the teacher faints.
My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!
Who needs April fools…
When your whole life is a joke?
Nobody Literally nobody Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a f@cking oven
I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better… But now I don’t know what to do with the letters.
But now I don’t know what to do with the letters.
The twin towers was basically angry birds but in real life
If I was an object in this world I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I’m a star! Because one of these days I’m going to crash and burn…
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I’d be a panda,
I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.
If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I’m like an eggshell… broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
%%My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I’m like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I’m like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I’m like a shity book cover… because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety Help me…
Help me…
If being ugly was a crime you would have a life sentence
My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships
There is a tree out there giving you oxegyn, and you owe that tree an apology.
I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.
When I saw your dad on the side walk I didn’t laugh but the sidewalk cracked up.
If I had powers I would make you the dumbest person alive but it seems life already beat me to the punch.
If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it
If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart I’d be broke.
You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting
Were you born on a highway cuz that’s where most accidents happen
Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya
Your the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented
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