How does a fish always know how much they weigh? – Because they have their own scales.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line. How do you cut ancient Rome in half? With a pair of Caesars.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
If i’m the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a… guardian of the galaxy?
I’ve just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester! :D
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? – One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” – The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are. ” He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? – Because they lactose.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
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