How does a fish always know how much they weigh? – Because they have their own scales.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.” “Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.
When the chair was invented, the inventor’s friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: ‘You might want to sit down for this.’
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? – A waist of time.
Why did the picture go to jail? Cause it was framed!
What do you call it when a midget waves at you? A microwave
Hear about the restaurant called karma? There is no menu: You get what you deserve
I wanted to make a belt out of watches, then I realized, it was a waist of time!
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year? ” I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? – Well, the flag is a big plus.
My friend gave me sugar for my birthday, she thought it was cheap I thought it was pretty sweet
little johnny was siting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life and ask him " little johnny how do you want your wife to be like" and he answered " like the moon" and the teacher said " that’s such a beautiful answer because it calm and peaceful " and little htm title=' appears at night and disappears in the morning'>johnny said " no because it appears at night and disappears in the morning"
I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.
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