Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. There’s a movie about constipation. It hasn’t come out yet.
Some people think prison is one word…but to robbers it’s a whole sentence
What do you call an alligator with a vest? An investigator.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.” “Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year? ” I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
Why did the gym close down? – It just didn’t work out.
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
I’ve just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.
Will glass coffins be a success? – Remains to be seen.
How does a fish always know how much they weigh? – Because they have their own scales.
I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.
Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
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