What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? – One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
A prisoner was told how he’ll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world
What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel? It is ground breaking!
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
Q: What did the drunk emo say to the bartender? A: Nothing! He was hung over. My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry So I threw a coconut at her
Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.
What do you call a nose without a body? – Nobody knows.
I’ve never worn my gay sweater, it hasn’t come out of the closet yet
You know why I don’t buy Velcro items anymore? They are a total rip off.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.” “Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”
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