My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.
You wanna know why I hate circles so much? They’re just so pointless! But I guess that’s how they roll
I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win. No pun in ten did
Why doesn’t the Sun go to college? – Because it has a million degrees.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist. There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.
My friend gave me sugar for my birthday, she thought it was cheap I thought it was pretty sweet
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year? ” I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line. How do you cut ancient Rome in half? With a pair of Caesars.
What do you call a Russian tree? Dimitree
Some people think prison is one word…but to robbers it’s a whole sentence
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
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