My girlfriends last words I can’t wait to become a mom
So there’s a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says “Step on a crack and you break your mother’s back,”. The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother’s back breaking. The little girl’s father looks in terror, she then says “step on a line and you break your father’s spine,”. The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out “OW MY SPINE, ”. The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.
Little Johnny went up to his mom and said: “Can i have some milk?” He waited for three hours to get an answer. His mom finally said: “No your dad still isn’t back with it.”
A man is with his friend in a bar.
The friend, out of the blue asks, “Hey, what’s your body count?”
Nervous, the man looks away.
The friend then says, “I’m talking about sex.”
The man then turns back and mumbles, “Oh… I thought you saw inside the basement…” “Wait, wha…” “What?”
“Wait, wha…”
“What?”
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.
The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says “20 years and not once, I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse". The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
What’s the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.
What do you do when you see a sad orphan?
Nothing let them wait for their parents.
Tomorrow is Christmas and I’m giving myself a present that I can’t wait to open. It’s my wrist. (yes this was inspired by a Fallout boy song)
What did the bomber say the the jet?
Sorry bro, I gotta bomb. WAIT NO-
I can’t believe it’s been over a year since Kobe decided he’s too good to wait in traffic.
My therapist says with time all wounds can heal so I stabbed him now we wait
Friend: Want to play fall guys?
Friend 2: Yup
Friend: Ok so let me ju- wait where are you going?
Friend 2: I’m gonna jump off
Friend: Why? Friend 2: We are playing Fall Guys, right?
Friend 2: We are playing Fall Guys, right?
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign? A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!
Roses are red violets are blue YOU HAVE AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE WAITING FOR YOU…
“You are under arrest for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia. ” “Wait! I can explain everything.”
“Wait! I can explain everything.”
Why was I stress eating on the train track?
To wait to get hit.
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