Window Problems A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won’t open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer. " Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a seven year old.
what is the diffrence between a snow woman and a snowman? Snowballs
My ex-wife still misses me… BUT HER AIM IS GETTIN BETTER!
Why do orphans make the best girlfriends? Because They don’t need permission from their Parents
A blind man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bartender replies with, “I’m blonde, the man working next to me is blonde, the woman next to you is blonde, and the fat guy behind you is blonde.” Then says “Do you really wanna tell the blonde joke? ” the blind guy responds with "No I don’t wanna tell it that many times.
Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver
Man: "Is your body from Mcdonalds?" Woman: "Why, because your loving it?" Man: “No, because its fat and greasy.” :D
A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.
Me: Are you okay? Dentist: I’m just a bit surprised. When I said to you “spit it out” I wasn’t expecting you to say you’ve been shagging my wife.
One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!
Why can’t Helen Keller drive? Because she’s a woman.
what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! That’s the best I’ve done so far.
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